Bachelorette Week 3

Bachelorette Week 3

By Emma Gase | Medium Talk Co-Creator 

Other than the idiotic misogyny that was Juan “Will You ‘Cept dis Rose?” Pablo’s trainwreck of a Bachelor season, JoJo Fletcher’s season of the Bachelorette is hands-down, absolutely, 100%, the best season of the Bachelorette this veteran has witnessed.

Why is this show so good? Why am I not only not embarrassed at the glee I take in watching it, but am so earnestly invested that I’m taking the time to write about it? Because I can’t not. It’s just too good. The Bachelorette is artificially, scientifically engineered for our entertainment, the contestants assembled for maximum drama, hilarity, and chemistry according to a top-secret formula kept on lock-down in the CDC by the producers. Want an inside look into the genius it takes to make this show successful? See “Unreal.” Till then, let us bask in the glorious, chaotic orgy of drama that is the Bachelorette’s 12th season.

Instead of lambasting Chad** like every other blog in the country, or providing a boilerplate recap of the many scintillating, tense, and often hilarious events of last night’s episode, let’s take a brief look at some of the guys who deserve your attention before night #2 of this beauteous two-night event.

Dark Horse Who is DTM: Chase

Chase didn’t get a date last week, but no matter. The producers are making it up to him by giving the hot yoga date: JoJo in booty shorts and a sports bra, straddling him in some yoga position neither can pronounce, while the instructor makes her timely exit so they can both make out before they’ve ever even eaten a meal together. It’s clear both of these kids are Down to Mount one another, and it doesn’t take long for them to Kama Sutra themselves straight into a Real Connection™.

Chase could be a real frontrunner here: he’s got the requisite Bach haircut (buzzed on the side, swooped in the front) and the requisite Bach physique (tall and disturbingly fit). Disregarding his unsightly tattoo that takes up 40% of his torso and resembles a watercolor painting dunked in the sink, he seems positively normal compared to the freak show back at the mansion, and you better believe JoJo’s takes notice. *

“This date was perfect for me,” said Chase as he wiped sweat off his brow and pretended he wasn’t suffering from excruciating blue balls. Later, as he and JoJo discussed their feelings during the vulnerability portion of their date, he sealed the deal with perhaps the Bach-iest line of all time: “Like, why not get engaged [after six weeks], you know?” That’s Forever Love©.

James Taylor, A.K.A. Long Neck

Poor James Taylor. I know how it feels to be the only curly-haired person in a room of hot, straight-haired people, James. It’s not easy. And to add insult to frizz, the self-admitted flabby-stomached lad is surrounded by the Abs McGees of the world. But all is well, for dear Jimmy T can overcompensate for his lack of whey protein intake with some uber-sensitive guitar playing less like his namesake and more like Matt Nathanson.

But still, I question if that’s enough. Is it wrong that James T reminds me of a younger, more attractive version of John C. Reilly? I was really quite shocked that JoJo bestowed upon him the one-on-one rose. I mean, the guy admitted to JoJo that all the bullies called him “long-neck” when he was young. LONG. NECK. But let’s back up for a second.

At the beginning of their one-on-one, James T, with his po-dunk worship of JoJo and his courtly drawl, seemed locked in for the Friend Zone. JoJo even admitted her concerns DURING their date that she was worried they wouldn’t find any physical chemistry. Instead, his terrible swing dancing and humiliating teen admittances got him the rose. Maybe JoJo is one of those girls that falls for the underdogs? TBD, Bach nation.

MVP of the Night: Daniel

I never would have predicted it, but Daniel is swiftly winning my favor, if not just for this Bachelorette-hall-of-fame zinger he directed to Chad: “Be less like Hitler, man. Be Mussolini.”

Yes, this would seem ridiculous, absurd, 100% disregardable advice in most real-life scenarios. But we are in Society Bachelorette, and in context, this is sane, sage advice! Chad is indeed acting like a bigheaded dictator during the appeasement phase of his rule, and Daniel is rightly attempting to extricate himself from the wreckage that is sure to come once Chad implodes. He even adjusts his advice after Chad flat-out refuses to be (aptly) compared to Hitler: “Ok, you’re like Donald Trump, man. Maybe be Bush?” Yes. More. Way to scale it back, bro.

For a man whose profession on the show is listed as merely “Canadian,” Daniel redeemed himself last night by being the only guy brave enough to attempt rational reasoning with Chad.

I actually feel bad for the guy. Daniel was put in an awkward position, probably foisted together with Chad by the producers to be the BFF workout buddy that Chad can talk to for the cameras. Has Daniel even spoken to JoJo yet? Unless the producers are editing out their budding romance, then I believe the answer is no.

The best part is that Daniel seems chill just to be there and hang. No skin off his back.

*My viewing partner makes a good point, however: it seems like JoJo’s into every single guy on the show at this point! Not to sound like Chad, but she gave a rose to mothereffing Evan. Evan. Maybe she really is just into all 20-bazillion of them. Or maybe she’s just nice? Idk.

** Though his full-on Regina George transformation was uncanny. “Evan, stop talking,” never sounded more like Regina’s infamous takedown of Gretchen Weiner’s “fetch.” Well done.