Emma Gase | Medium Talk Co-Creator
And we’re back! In Buenos! Rather than clubbing into the wee hours of the morning and snorting cheap coke like most Americans who visit South America for one semester, the bachelors and Bachelorette are here to nobly manufacture find love!
We’re in season 3,540 (that’s a guestimation, but probably a good one). We’ve been here before, Bachelor Nation. The contestants are abroad in an exotic location other than Pennsylvania. Love in the air. Foreign cultures will be appropriated and bastardized on TV by some of America’s finest citizens. Like Chris Harrison always says, it’s all part of The Magical Journey to Everlasting Love™.
General Notes About These Guys (before we launch into the dates)
Jordan: His teeth are WHITE. Has anyone else noticed this? Obvio, all of these dudes go to the dentist for some cursory whitening before their big debuts, but Jordan is next level. His teeth are so white they’re practically blue. Did you know teeth-whitening can be an addiction?
Luke: Ever since his Olympic-qualifying ass-grab on the “too-hot hot tub” date, it’s no secret JoJo wants in this guys’ pants. Luke is the type of Southern guy that could record a generic country song that could be a small Spotify hit. The album art would be him, his furrowed brow, and a vintage truck. All JoJo ever says about Luke is his passion. I think we know the real word for their connection: horny.
The Universal Hair-Do: I had a disturbing revelation last night when I realized that 90% of these guys are using blow dryers every morning. Their getting-ready routines are likely more laborious than mine. How many products are these tall-haired men using to tease their manes every day, and how do I buy some?
Wells’ Date (in which he probably wishes he could sit in the bottom of a well, a la Murakami)
Poor Wells. JoJo shows up for their first one-on-one in a white, bulbous sweater so shapeless that the only apt comparison is to the Michelin Man. Really, it is a feat of fashion physics that this sweater can exist on the body of someone as hot as JoJo. No one wears that sweater on a date with a guy they’re not planning on dumping.
Funnily enough, Wells is probably the most normal contestant on the show right now. His vocabulary is decent, he has a real job (well, he’s a radio DJ). Wells, unfortch for him, is the only guy that hasn’t kissed her (a revelation which brings much shock and braggadocio to the other man-testants, all of whom have already smothered their faces on JoJo’s. Nice guys finish last, etc.).
Which brings us…the Token Awkward Bachelor Date! We know this date is awkward for several reasons. A) Wells and JoJo have not kissed, B) All the men in the house declare how *awkward* it is that Wells and JoJo have not, in fact, kissed, C) *Awkward* (omg, so awkward!), plodding music is playing, reminiscent of those latter LC and Speidi The Hills episodes, and D) In practice, Wells has less game than Squints from The Sandlot.
Of course, Wells only receives subtle support from his bros in the house:
Alex: “What if you kiss her, and like, there are just like, no sparks?”
Luke: “Are y’all gonna kiss today?”
Robbie (to the interview camera, with bravado): “Hell, I can hardly keep my hands off her!”
JoJo takes her un-kissed potential lover to a show where scantily clad dancers writhe around in shallow water above the viewers while smiling underwater like Argentine Esther Williams. Brilliant idea, JoJo.
Pretty sure that the show (called Fuerza Bruta, which translates to ‘brute force’), was an “America’s Next Top Model” photoshoot where the models had to wriggle around in the water while smizing™ and making sure their tops didn’t come off. Didn’t one of the ANTM contestants get mildly concussed from this challenge? Never mind. It is now JoJo and Wells’ turn to thrash around in the water.
And it works—they kiss! After a second or two of perfunctory lip-smacking, JoJo breaks the embrace and announces, “This was it, Wells! This was the moment!” Ouch. Getting props from the girl you finally got the balls to kiss? No Bueno.
In his moment of triumph, Wells celebrates a bit too early: “Neurotic Wells is finally rotting away, and confident Wells is here!” Aw. He reminds me of 80% of the shy Jewish boys I used to know at summer camp. He also tells JoJo about his last breakup, where he ended up just being BFFs with no sexual chemistry with his girlfriend. This semi-normal and healthy break-up reason sets alarms off for JoJo, who wants an inimitable snowflake of a passionate romance where the fire never dies and living together civilly in a faithful relationship is seen as a the wet-blanket to the unicorn fuego her love is sure to be.
So, goodbye, Wells. JoJo returns without a (real) tear to her nine douches-in-waiting back at the hotel.
The 2nd Two on One Date!
Derek vs. Chase, or, the Battle of the Vanilla Bros. In quick summation:
Derek = Dark-haired version of Chase with baritone bro voice.
Chase = Lighter-haired version of Derek with monotone bro voice. [Side note: Chase is more expressionless than an over-botoxed Real Housewife. Does he have emotions?]
First, the two lucky men are forced to do a two-on-one tango with JoJo. They dance about as passionately as two walkers from the Walking Dead. Safe to say this activity did nothing to tip the scales for either Cherek or Dase. Wait, what?
At this point, my viewing partner points out something egregious: the man-testants haven’t taken a single bite of their Argentine steak. For shame! What are they gonna do, eat it after they’re eliminated. At this point, I’m rooting for both of their demises.
For reasons unknown or perhaps in honor of their former sexii yoga date, Chase gets the rose. Derek gets driven away in what looks like a diplomat’s minivan. In a rather heartbreaking scene, JoJo and Chase slow dance as a barely bilingual opera singer belts “Don’t Cry for Me, Argentina” from a precariously high balcony, as Derek chokes back tears in his Uber XL. “Don’t’ cry,” he mutters to himself, echoing the lyrics of the song his former lover now dances to in the arms of his lighter-haired counterpart. Well done, producers.
After this spectacle, we get a special rose ceremony where…no one goes home because Wells got the boot on the one-on-one! See you next week, Bachelor nation.